So I'm gonna take a moment to talk about something I don't hear about very often- infertility.
I know, I know- this varies greatly from the things I normally post about feminism, equality, queer rights, etc. but I believe that this is something that is commonly ignored or overlooked by everyone NOT affected.
"But Mitzy, why should I care? This doesn't affect ME." Who is affected-
Many people struggle with infertility. Perhaps YOU are infertile or facing infertility. Perhaps you may face it in the great unknown future. Perhaps it's a friend or family member facing this issue and you are/have been insensitive or unaware of how difficult it is for them. Perhaps it's someone fighting desperately and quietly on their own. Perhaps it's someone who is now not covered by their insurance for treatments needed because it was 'deemed unnecessary' by people unaware of how painful not being able to conceive can be. Perhaps you are a common dudebro and you think that this only happens to women.
Many people struggle with infertility. Perhaps YOU are infertile or facing infertility. Perhaps you may face it in the great unknown future. Perhaps it's a friend or family member facing this issue and you are/have been insensitive or unaware of how difficult it is for them. Perhaps it's someone fighting desperately and quietly on their own. Perhaps it's someone who is now not covered by their insurance for treatments needed because it was 'deemed unnecessary' by people unaware of how painful not being able to conceive can be. Perhaps you are a common dudebro and you think that this only happens to women.
I will say that it affects EVERYONE, in fact male infertility is as common as female infertility.
There are many factors to why people may face infertility (no I won't list them all)-
- Weight
- Cancer
- Eating Disorders
- Medicine
- Age
- PCOS (More info)
- Internal Scarring
- APS (More info)
- Medicines or Drugs
For more information on causes and percentages and all that fun sciencey stuff-
- The Wiki Article (cause we all know that's where most turn first)
- WebMD (Not a lot of info there but....)
- Resolve (The leading association on Infertility)
- The Infertility Voice (a collection of information and stories from those facing infertility)
"Please Shut The Front Door." Shit People Say-
So in the last few years I have to say- this is the stuff that really creeps under my skin. People say and do the damnest things- in this case it's saying ignorant and hurtful things.
"Oh it will happen eventually."
"Just relax, it took so-and-so 'this' long to have a child. I'm sure you guys will get it eventually."
Heck- insensitive comments can even happen within the infertility circle. One Example of this is this gem I saw a while back-
"been there, done that! now I am happily pregnant (with IVF). Infertile couple do get pregnant and have kids! Never lose hope, girls!"
Now, I understand that this person was just trying to give some other peeps some hope but I want to explain why this is an insensitive kinda dick move- IVF doesn't always work. (The majority of women have per-cycle success rates of 20-35%) There are many who can't adopt and are 100% unable to conceive. Whether it's bad eggs/uterus, cancer, an inability to even do IVF(due to cost or a physical reason), or heck- a Trans couple that WANTS kids but can't because it's not possible (Yet! I have hope for science!) going up to someone hurting and saying, "I've been there and although it's quite possible you will never breed, I'm going to brag an drudge up nasty envy/self loathing feelings."
It's like bringing alcohol to an AA meeting- you are waiving something in front of others that they may desperately want but cannot have. Please be sensitive and mindful when making your announcements- we ARE all happy for you..... but we are probably going to go and cry into a pillow (or pint of ice cream) until that dull ache is replaced with a throbbing sinus headache.
"You did WHAT?!" On Miscarriages and abortion-
Now I know of some people in my life that would flip a lid if I mention abortion, but please, hear me out with an open mind.
I've never been in a situation were I needed to make that choice, but I know of some who have. (FYI- I am only covering these two terms under the infertility topic and how they relate.)
Some women who struggle with infertility and manage to get pregnant cannot keep the baby. There are many factors in this but it all boils down to a few simple sentences. Their body could not complete the process because of one reason or another. They will die or risk serious medical complications should they continue the pregnancy. The child will die or risk serious medical complications if the pregnancy is carried through.
Having to make the choice for an abortion is difficult. Loosing an expected child is difficult. It is all difficult.
If a woman makes this choice and is fighting infertility- don't be a dick and berate her for loosing the child or choosing an abortion.
In the case of an abortion-- She had to make a decision and that decision is MADE. It is not your place nor YOUR choice that choice is for her to make NOT YOU. She doesn't tell you what to eat for breakfast- you don't tell her what she can do with her body. I never saw the deed saying that you own me/him/her so you need to stop pretending like you do.
Instead of getting all bent out of shape with your values and opinions- turn to her and give her a hug. Make sure she is OK. For someone TRYING to get pregnate this is NOT what they wanted. They NEED your support.
Also- Ladies, if someone in your life is giving you a difficult time over your infertility or the choices made for your health then cut them out of your life. Feel no shame in telling them to Fuck Off. Do it with Glitter and a mug full of dog shit. They are not a friend if they are being an asshole about this.
Repeat with me- THEY. ARE. NOT. A. FRIEND.
Removing people from your life is HARD. It is difficult emotionally in an already emotionally difficult time and it creates a wound that takes time to heal but I promise you- if they cannot be loving, supportive, kind, and/or understanding in this situation (or at least keep their mouth shut) then they should not/can not be a part of your life.
"I'm the 1 in 8." My Some of My Experience With Infertility.-
This is something very difficult and painful for me- more so when friends and family make the inevitable 'announcement' or the soon to follow baby picture spree.
I will be honest- I don't want to go into super detail so you are just getting the quick and dirty version.
In the beginning- my husband and I were very excited. We were engaged, we decided we wanted to start trying for kids, we had everything planned.... and we had never even considered or been super aware of infertility.
A year later we were still hopeful, newly married, and figured that it was normal to have some difficulties. A doubt began to creep into the very back of my mind, but I still managed to pee on sticks with enthusiasm.
At two years we began to look into fertility treatments, ovulation methods, and blah blah. Most of the doctors blamed my weight (without considering my eating disorder) and I was too terrified to ask for tests beyond their "professional opinion".
On the third year we began to look into IVF- I learned that I am someone who cannot do it because of physical complications AND cost.
I spoke to my doctor and asked to be tested for PCOS and Thyroid issues. He refused- saying that I just wanted a reason "for my weight" besides poor eating and that I just needed to diet and stop "lazing on the couch".
For a little context- I'm a nutrition major with anorexia. I'm not saying I don't occasionally eat total crap food, but at that point I was typically BELOW 1000kcal a day and exercising 3-6 hours every day. I ate almost nothing but spinach, chicken, and kale. Everything else was supplemented via pills. (Also I don't own a couch. .... so youknow- fuck you Dr. Assumption.)
(( Oh believe me- my rants on weight and eating disorders are meant for another time, but I'm well aware that I was in a very unhealthy place at that time- I still fight any anorexia. I still overexercise. I still starve myself until I begin to have fainting spells when I am feeling down.))
I have not returned to the doctor due to my anxiety and being sick of his ignorance of the facts. It doesn't help that within the last year my agoraphobia has rendered me less than functional as society would put it. Leaving the house to go to a fertility doctor just isn't an option right now.
I have lost most of my hope for conceiving a child.
There is more to this but I will admit.... It's difficult for me to put down much more so I would like to switch to how those around me have treated my infertility problem.
I have been gifted baby clothes as 'encouragement to try harder'.
I have been told that I'm making a 'big deal out of nothing'.
I have been told that I shouldn't want to have kids anyhow because of my financial status.
Whoever did not do something rude, mean, or cruel would just simply ignore it when I spoke to them or asked for support.
Infertility is a painful thing to approach and doing it alone or having someone ignore your issue is heartbreaking.
"But what can I do?" -
- Spread infertility awareness. Increase you knowledge, and share your knowledge. Being and advocate and getting involved can make a world of difference.
- The "Don't be a dick." List-
- Don't gossip about your friend who has this condition. Just because they shared it with you does not mean they want it shared with that other person. Respect that.
- Don't push adoption or IVF. Most of the time the person is very aware of what options are available and they do not need you to push or question what/why/how.
- Don't say they aren't supposed to be parents or "it's God's plan". Just fucking don't. I can't even begin to tell you how rude and asinine that is to tell someone, so just DON'T.
- Don't say, "there are worse things that can happen," or, "It's not the end of the world," OR, "being a parent isn't all there is to life." We are aware that there is more beyond bringing a child into this world. Having a family. Living, loving, and experiencing life and watching someone grow. Telling us that this ambition to breed is "stupid" is as mean-spirited as me telling you that YOUR life's work and ambition is worthless and you suck at it. Being a parent isn't all of who I am- but it is something I would very much like to be.
- DO NOT tell them to "relax" or that, "It'll probably happen eventually." Seriously- DON"T.
- Don't make jokes about it. It's not funny so just stop.
-What can you do to support friend's or family members who are struggling?
- Remember them on little holidays. Mother's and father's day is very important- call them or take them out to lunch/coffee/tea. I can't even begin to tell you how important this little action can be.
- Support their decisions. You don't have to agree with things but o not voice that disagreement- they need you to hug them.
- Be Supportive. Slightly different than supporting their decisions- often they just need the support and love. (Especially the dudebros out there- males often don't talk about their depression or struggles.)
- Let them know you care.
Want more information and resources?-
I posted these early on but I'll post them.
Basic Information -
- Resolve (The greatest resource for information and support for infertility.)
- IHR (A very informative website with infertility information and resources.)
- The Wiki Article (cause we all know that's where most turn first)
- The Infertility Voice (a collection of information and stories from those facing infertility)
- Infertility Education (information and resources on infertility and related health issues)
IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) information and resources-
Adoption-
- Adoption.com
- Child Welfare Information Gateway
- Resolve's resources and links.
- Don't want to adopt a child? Consider adopting a furbaby in need. ASPCA, Adoptapet, Petfinder, or check your local shelter. Many animals need loving homes and families.
Want to Donate? Here are some clicky links!-
Bonus-
This video made by Keiko Zoll is an excellent piece that allows a small insight into living with infertility. I'm happy to say that Keiko finally conceived in 2013 after years of facing infertility problems. More on her story here.
This video made by Keiko Zoll is an excellent piece that allows a small insight into living with infertility. I'm happy to say that Keiko finally conceived in 2013 after years of facing infertility problems. More on her story here.
And THIS POST by Tumbler user Emmagrant01 is another good resource for how infertility can affect someone's daily life.
Here is a Post that speaks a little on infertility/periods and some Trans issues by user ptsdbuffy
Themidwifeisin talks about PCOS and pregnancy.
National Infertility Awareness Week is April 20-26
September is PCOS Awareness month
((Also, I sure many have noticed but I quote, "Don't be a dick." quite often. It's a common phrase by the masterful Wil Wheaton who is an amazing, geeky, and very kind person.))
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