Living with anxiety- A view into a "bad" day.

I often think it's important to be able to communicate things. Putting something like THIS out on the internet is important because I believe it allows people to view and relate to something. Many people suffer from Anxiety, depression, ADD, and so much more. I am taking the time to write this out so that others can see they are not alone. It is a struggle. Every. Day. Yes there are good days but sometimes.... most times.... it's a grey day or a black day. Those days.... it's important to try and bare the face of something very frequently hidden.

I've noticed that my anxiety and depression mix very often to create a sort of..... monotone black and white- Good days are just that- good. However normal and worse days I've labeled grey and black.

Today is a .... sort of dark grey day. The last few weeks have been rough.

I will admit, I've been worse than normal; I've stopped talking to people when I feel down (I always make an effort to let someone know when I'm "not ok" lately this has not been the case.) and allowed my agoraphobia to rule over me to the point that I refused to even attempt doing something simple like walking down to farmers market. My anorexia has gotten worse- I've gone for longer periods of not eating than is even "normal" for me.  I've been struggling to keep busy or "entertained". 

It's a lonely feeling. I know I've not alone, and I'm not alone in feeling this way.... but it feels lonely nonetheless. I think the most.... upsetting thing was looking for some small chance or way to make myself feel better.  Often times it's recommend that you "go outside" or "get out of the house". I personally find this frustrating because getting out of the house makes me feel worse. I struggle with my agoraphobia and being unable to leave the house without possibly facing a breakdown is very difficult.  Another issue is when it's recommended that you call or speak to, or go out with friends. I'm not sure how anyone else does it but..... I'm completely unable to make friends. Aside from the fact that I'm NOT greatest person- my agoraphobia and moving away from family has left me with NO ONE. 

THIS.

THIS IS FRUSTRATING.  

SO FRICKIN FRUSTRATING.

True, I've got my husband. However, he suffers from depression as well, and  I've learned that he generally struggles when I'v depressed because he blames himself. It's a terrible ironic circle so I tend to avoid it for the sake of his happiness. 

Generally... I refuse to give up, but damn, sometimes it feels so dark. I'd say it feels like a dark hallways but really.... it feels like falling down a well blindfolded. I KNOW there will be a breakdown in the future; when I hit that cold water at the bottom. It' frightening and cold and I'm NOT looking forwards to it..... but I know that once I finish falling I can climb back up for a while. Yes, I will "fall" again. I will fall for the rest of my life, but I just have to look forwards to climbing up every time. 

Just gotta remind myself that even if it hurts right now.... I can get past it. 

I'm setting a few reminders on my computer to remind me to eat, exercise, shower, and be brave. 

Making a note not to hurt myself. 

*sigh* 

Just trying to get through each day. 

Costume Plans for the Future

SO.....

My list of currently "future" costumes is as follows-

Valka (Me) and Stoick (Hubs)

After seeing the fabulous How to Train Your Dragon 2 hubs and I fell in love with the Stoick re-design and 'love story' of these two (though we were a little surprised and annoyed by Valka's thin build.) and we both agreed that being awesome vikings would be cool. Really it didn't take much thought or decision to know that this was something we would do.

Hellcat (me) and Hellstorm (husband)

Hellcat caught my attention when I was searching for a new comic to entertain me. This perticular version of her costume caught my eye and I couldn't resist. Hubby and I were thinking that it would be fun to do an actual couple couples cosplay. I believe that this version of Hellcat is after Hellstorm was turned and after her death. However I'm not entirely sure just yet.  (I've been having a terrible time finding the three issues with this costume so I have not been able to confirm.)

Black Knight (husband) & Excalibur (me)

When I was looking for a new comic to read I stumbled across Black Knight and briefly mentioned it to Hubby- he then decided to look further into it and became rather hooked. After he announced that he wanted to cosplay Black Knight I looked up information on the gal who had been in one of the reference images he tossed me. After learning some of Doctor Faiza's backstory I felt rather eager to cosplay her. Win/win I'd say. 

Personal humanoid Armor designs of Kabegami (me) and Gekigami (hubby)
Hubby caught me designing armor for Kabegami and wanted to join in as Gekigami. More work :P but who can say no to more armor?

Zero (hubby) and Marino (me)

I'm not a super huge Megaman fan but Hubby IS and we do tend to prefer couples/group cosplays so after some looking around at female characters I settled on Marino. Zero is hubby's favorite character and he lept at the opportunity to put him on the planned list. 

Some of the other costumes that I would like to do in the future are-

Skyrim Glass Armor and/or Dread Huntress armor (mod)

I'm dying to do a Skyrim cosplay of any type to be honest but I haven't seen someone do the Glass armor yet and I figured it might be fun. My absolute favorite armor though is a mod (the Dread Huntress armor) and although I might get some flak for it I still intend to do it because it is friggin awesome. 

Personal Redesigns of Oldschool Cheetara (me) and Panthro (hubby)

Although Hubby and I are hardcore fans of the old Thundercats series. (I had the boxed series and I THINK we still have his old thundertank model.) We aren't..... super keen on personally wearing the old designs so we took a note from the "new Thundercats" and did a redesign.   Once I get around to these comstumes I'll post the drawings.

Fallout Elite Riot Gear and Power Armor
Early when I met my (now) husband he got me addicted to two things-  The Fallout and Elder Scrolls series. Before that I'd never played them (It was mostly Kings Quest, FF8, Prince of Persia, Legend of Dragoon, Dark Cloud, Jak and Daxter, and Suikoden. Ok.... there were other games but those were my mains that I repeat played.) I quickly became enamored with the brotherhood of steel Power armor- my favorite being the Fallout Tactics version. However I tend to play New Vegas far more often and thus am often wearing the Riot Gear. ☺ 

 Dragoon Meru (me) and  LLoyd (hubby)

I've wanted to cosplay Meru since I was little and first played the game. ^^ Added bonus of the Lloyd costume being easy and "comfy". 

Frost and Flame Atronach

OK, ok I know. The Frost Atronach doesn't look like that. They look like giant walking phallic icicles and it friggin sucks. Ages back Hubby and I voiced how it would be fun to do Flame atronach cosplays. I wanted something blue but the options were less than appealing. We decided after some looking that we liked the skyrim flame atronach design best and that we would remake it to be slightly more masculine for him and I would just do mine in blue.  

Raphael (hubby) and Ivy (me)

So ages back I voiced wanting to cosplay Ivy. Of COURSE Hubby was on board with this idea. (Honestly- what nerdy dude wouldn't be?) Of course I wanted something a smidge more..... modest than her usual outfits. After some looking I settled on the Soulcaliber IV version. However I'm not keen on going it alone so I picked out Raphael because- that outfit is awesome. There is always a possibility things will change of course....   

Catwoman (me)

I saw a gif with the Shanghai Catwoman and fell in love. That design is..... just to die for. Added bonus of it being a possible comfy costume and I'm all on board.

 THE MAGICAL AND SO EFFIN MAJESTIC TRIXI 

......... 
Ok I like her because she's sassy but that's not why I chose her for a cosplay. ......
You wanna know why?
....
Because I wouldn't have to wear a wig. 
Yeah is was that simple. I just looked around for the pony with a mane that matched my hair the closest. 
....
Yeah.
....
I know she's a twat. Hush.

I'm still working on some drawings and designs for most of these but generally I'm pretty (90%) sure they will be cosplayed within the next few years.) I've got a few others in the "OH GOD I WANT TO" list but these really are the main ones.  I mean- jeez- there are 22 costumes here. That is a LOT of frikkin costumes and most of them are fairly complex. (Seriously, there are at least nine there that are likely to give me a stress aneurysm.) Currently I'm working on the Hellcat helmet- I decided to try and make it out of worbla and I'm..... it's..... I........ lets just say I wish there were more tutorials on making helmets or that maybe I had a lifecast of my head. (I have no flicking clue how to lifecast and hubby is too afraid to do it.) I'll try to post some progress pictures soon. 

Ciao!

~~

♥ Mitzy Blue ♥

Cosplay Wishlist