Living with anxiety- A view into a "bad" day.

I often think it's important to be able to communicate things. Putting something like THIS out on the internet is important because I believe it allows people to view and relate to something. Many people suffer from Anxiety, depression, ADD, and so much more. I am taking the time to write this out so that others can see they are not alone. It is a struggle. Every. Day. Yes there are good days but sometimes.... most times.... it's a grey day or a black day. Those days.... it's important to try and bare the face of something very frequently hidden.

I've noticed that my anxiety and depression mix very often to create a sort of..... monotone black and white- Good days are just that- good. However normal and worse days I've labeled grey and black.

Today is a .... sort of dark grey day. The last few weeks have been rough.

I will admit, I've been worse than normal; I've stopped talking to people when I feel down (I always make an effort to let someone know when I'm "not ok" lately this has not been the case.) and allowed my agoraphobia to rule over me to the point that I refused to even attempt doing something simple like walking down to farmers market. My anorexia has gotten worse- I've gone for longer periods of not eating than is even "normal" for me.  I've been struggling to keep busy or "entertained". 

It's a lonely feeling. I know I've not alone, and I'm not alone in feeling this way.... but it feels lonely nonetheless. I think the most.... upsetting thing was looking for some small chance or way to make myself feel better.  Often times it's recommend that you "go outside" or "get out of the house". I personally find this frustrating because getting out of the house makes me feel worse. I struggle with my agoraphobia and being unable to leave the house without possibly facing a breakdown is very difficult.  Another issue is when it's recommended that you call or speak to, or go out with friends. I'm not sure how anyone else does it but..... I'm completely unable to make friends. Aside from the fact that I'm NOT greatest person- my agoraphobia and moving away from family has left me with NO ONE. 

THIS.

THIS IS FRUSTRATING.  

SO FRICKIN FRUSTRATING.

True, I've got my husband. However, he suffers from depression as well, and  I've learned that he generally struggles when I'v depressed because he blames himself. It's a terrible ironic circle so I tend to avoid it for the sake of his happiness. 

Generally... I refuse to give up, but damn, sometimes it feels so dark. I'd say it feels like a dark hallways but really.... it feels like falling down a well blindfolded. I KNOW there will be a breakdown in the future; when I hit that cold water at the bottom. It' frightening and cold and I'm NOT looking forwards to it..... but I know that once I finish falling I can climb back up for a while. Yes, I will "fall" again. I will fall for the rest of my life, but I just have to look forwards to climbing up every time. 

Just gotta remind myself that even if it hurts right now.... I can get past it. 

I'm setting a few reminders on my computer to remind me to eat, exercise, shower, and be brave. 

Making a note not to hurt myself. 

*sigh* 

Just trying to get through each day.